


Memory

by meikahidenori



Series: Stardust & Ocean Waves: TAG R18+ Smut archive - Gordon and John Tracy pairings only [4]
Category: Thunderbird are go
Genre: M/M, R18+
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-19 02:55:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meikahidenori/pseuds/meikahidenori
Summary: another JxG fiction. enjoy.





	

Gordon fidgeted in his sleep. something was off tonight, he couldn't quite put his finger on it. 

he sat up in the dark and rubbed his eyes. he was still in John's bed where he dozed off, waiting for his brother to come down off the space station. John had eventually crawled in beside him at some stage, Gordon could hear his breathing against one of the pillows.

Gordon's eyes adjusted to the darkness and he looked over at his sibling, who he assumed was fast asleep.

John was indeed in slumber, but it wasn't his usual quiet ‘dead to the world’ status. Gordon could see every twitch of the shoulders, jerk of the fingers and the clear expression of worry on his gentle slender features.

Something must have happened on Scott and Virgil’s last rescue. to be so restless it had to have been a close call, but over time Gordon had learned even if no one was hurt his brother would still be haunted by it days later, kicking himself for sending them out on the call or for being unable to do anything but listen to the radio contact as everything went to hell.

John was great at hiding how he felt after Virgil told him off about worrying about Kayo and Alan when they almost collided with the sun,being made to feel as if his feelings didn't matter. Virgil didn't mean it in a nasty way of course, but John took it more personally than anyone realised. sure he still showed it now and then but not in front of anyone and usually from the distance of 22,400 miles in orbit where if he looked detached from everything no one was going to call him heartless.

But…. you can't lock away all your feelings, even Gordon knew that as fact and saw the results of him trying hard not to care along with the damage it caused.

Gordon liked it when he was worried about. it meant someone cared. if it was his rescue that went south he hung on the line for ages afterwards, letting his brother know he was fine and he appreciated the concern.

they became the nights Gordon's sex life got interesting….at least, from his angle on things. John would lavish attention on him as if he was never going to see him again and Gordon had to admit, he loved every part.

Virgil would sometimes wonder why Gordon took so long to join him in the cockpit on the flight back, till he made the mistake of opening the com channel to find out what Gordon was up to. Gordon got the best and most hilarious sex of his life that night from John...because he was jealous that Virgil heard him jerking off to John's verbal teasing inside the submarine. he wasn't a possessive lover, but Gordon wouldn't have cared if he was….sometimes he liked having John in control - a situation that rarely happened outside of their relationship or with other people. anytime he should be he was ignored or shut out until something avoidable occurred and he was forced to fix it.

but the other way was nice too. because Gordon was privileged to see the other side, although that wouldn't really be the term he would use.

John had more emotional baggage than any of them and that was part of the reason their relationship started to change, from just being brother there for one another to sexual partners who couldn't exist without the other.

in one way it was tragic how Gordon discovered the damage being the one alone without the moral support of anyone else had done…. John sitting alone in the locker bay where they both suited up for missions, half stripped out of his uniform looking like a human shaped toast rack.

he needed someone to take some of the burden… the weight of so much stress was physically killing him.

Gordon was more than prepared to help. a lot of it was hard to hear, heartbreaking to listen to… but if John had to do this everyday….then the least Gordon could do was be told the sanitized version of it even if that was the only way he would share. as time went on the details came forward more and Gordon discovered that John really appreciated how prepared he was to be there for him and because he had been so caring and supportive...John started falling in love with him.

it was good in a way, Gordon never got given much credit in regards to how nice he could be, only ever treated like the obnoxious fool, everyone forgetting he took every rescue he was on seriously and could cope with situations that neither Scott or Virgil could not. the fact that John did was more reason enough to want to give the next level of intimacy between them a try. it was naughty and socially unacceptable what they ended up doing, but nothing could have stopped it… nature taking its course. 

Gordon ran his fingers through John's hair, the touch seeming to gradually take the worry from his face and the twitch out of his fingers. Gordon could remember vividly how sickly he looked a year ago, how beyond help he had been… at least if anyone else were to have seen it. it was several months before he was able to put weight back on, even now he was still missing most of the size he was when they started helping their father with International Rescue. it had been three years since dad went missing, three years of damage to undo and most if it had over the year. sure they only started sexual intimacy four months ago around Gordon's 23rd birthday… but it felt so much longer than that.

it wasn't just sex though. Gordon found he loved being in his company, more than he did when they were little. they had similar tastes in movies, while tv and music was varied they at least enjoyed spending the time together even if they were doing something they didn't enjoy just for the other's benefit… and there was times they found it was more fun than they expected.

sure they couldn't be together all the time, but there had been ways around it. If John was stuck in the station or Gordon was on some long diving mission they'd chat over the coms for hours just for the company. so far only Virgil suspected something was going on and after a while he asked them and while he didn't fully agree with their relationship he had seen how much difference it had made to both of them so he offered to help them keep it a secret as long as possible, surprised that they had managed to keep it hidden themselves for so long… however that had been fairly easy, no one really paying attention to what either of them got up to and being more than happy that at least they were interacting with people, the Tracys on a whole were fairly close being isolated as they grew up from other people…. a huge surprise that something of the sort had not happened between some of them sooner.

Gordon observed as his brother seemed to relax under his watch, like he was being assured that for now he was safe and the rest of the world didn't matter for the time being.Gordon lay back down beside him, sliding his arm under John's and wrapping him in close from behind, pulling his head into his chest so he could keep watch the rest of the night to keep the nightmares away…. or at least, that was the plan.

“How long you been awake?” John murmured through closed eyes. his voice reminded Gordon of a purring cat, it was light and dry like his sense of humour.

“Long enough. was it another bad one?”

“Mostly. I didn't kick you this time did I?”

“no. this time you we pretty fidgety… I appreciate you not walloping me in your sleep though.”

“I don't mean to…”

“hey if you put up with me having naughty sex fantasies and talking about them in my sleep, the least I can do is accept that you get a bit physical on yours when you have nightmares.”

“yes well I don't think this one needs explaining… I'm sure you saw Scott's hand.”

“Yeah… I did.” Gordon winced. Scott had got his hands caught in a machine trying to free a man’s leg from being severed. due to Virgil’s quick thinking Scott was going to keep all his fingers. he held John tighter, the sight of Scott's mangled hand was pretty nasty but the scream of pain John probably heard over thunderbird fives coms had left his imagination a mess as he didn't get to see if Scott was alright afterwards. 

“He going to be ok John. just unable to fly for a while… he'll live.”

“I know Gordon. it's… “ John looked up and gave Gordon a reassuring smile. “It'll pass.”

“It's the scream isn't it?”

“it won't stop ringing around my head. they never do, you know that.”

“yes… I know.” Gordon started stroking him down his back. “I also know how to fix it, even if it's for a little while.”

“I don't think I've got it in me tonight Gordon.”

Gordon kissed him tenderly. “I know.” he grinned slyly. “Tonight you're just going to be the recipient.”

“oh?”

“yep… you're always the throwing yourself into it, for once I'd like to be in you.”

“oh….so bold.” John pulled Gordon down into another kiss. “I'd like that…. are you sure you can though? I'm taller than you so it might be a little hard if you want me under you…” his voice trailed off. they had wanted to try a few times, but the height difference had become an issue with Gordon naturally only coming up to John's chest - that's before you add the extra few centimeters of his hair spikes. they had tried hunting through Kayo’s book of kama sutra and the only useful ones in it involved most positions from behind and while they were possible, Gordon would prefer the first time he got to go it to John he could see his face….besides those positions only talked about sizes for men and woman and the comfort of each one… they didn't have anything for two guys in it.

It would be a lie to say Gordon hadn't been thinking of ways to do this. every time they got to talk dirty over the coms to each other, Gordon insisted that he was always the one giving John a fun time. sure, having John take him for real was something he liked, but he wanted to know what it was like to be inside of his lover too.

“If it's not going to work… we can just do what we normally do.”

Gordon sat on top of John’s chest and purred. “I'll make it work. I want to take you to the moon and watch the fireworks that I create as you move your beautiful body to the beat of my heart, our bodies as one.”

“with words like that it's sad you're with me and not penny.”

“she threw me away. lost her chance years ago. you're all I want now, all that I need.” Gordon then leaned in for a lingering kiss, one that took him right back to the first time on his birthday where after playfighting after the end of a movie Gordon pinned John to the floor and John pulled him into a passionate kiss.

Gordon remembered the taste of popcorn and banana cake on his lips…. infact John always tasted of something sweet, sometimes like peppermints or chocolates and others of vanilla and warm spices.

that night all they did was make out, but it had burned deep in his memory…. sure he should have pushed John away…. but by then he had fallen in love with him too.

“I love you John and sure, sometimes even i find this strange…. but I know that in my soul that it's right.”

he searched John's expression and noticed how pink and flushed it was. since he was pale, they changed this soft rosy colour that Gordon adored seeing across his features.

“I love you Gordon. you know I'd follow you to the end of the universe and back, even if you didn't return it.” 

Gordon's heart sank a little with how innocent John really was. his brother technically had a pretty crappy life in regards to anything social and the distance between him and everyone else was now so wide the only times he spoke to anyone other than Gordon was work related...even Alan who John used to always be close with was now worlds apart from him, so much so Alan started to forget John was part of the family.

if he said he loved you in any way you knew he meant every word.

When Virgil confronted them Gordon realised how small his world was and how tiny John's had always been. the threat of them being broken apart was all too real at the time and for John the last shred of his life was about to be taken from him. 

Virgil had no idea what hit him that day. John panicked and had to be pulled off of him before he struck any blows. the idea of everything falling apart….Gordon found himself shuddering at the very notion that one day it may be a reality.

if it happened… it would be him that everyone would lose.

“It won't last forever guys, eventually one of your will find a girl and it will be over. that's why I'm going to leave it as I know in the end it will go it's way and Gordon will find a nice bird on a rescue and it will go back to how it was.”

Those words hurt more than Virgil would ever know. they were even haunting John's thoughts right now and Gordon could read them clear as day.

Fuck you Virgil.

Gordon's hands cupped John's flushed face and smothered it with loving kisses.

“Don't ever think I'd ever stop loving you.” Gordon breathed, inches from John's face so he could feel himself drown in those ocean green eyes and warm them up with his own earthy browns. “Virgil can say all the fucking shit he wants but he'll never have the most devoted and beautiful thing on this planet….heck this entire galaxy in his arms…. to kiss, to cuddle, to caress and to hold….”

John's hands moved to Gordon's face to lower him into more kisses, ones more loving than the last.

“I'm sorry Gordon… I guess.. I can't help but keep thinking one day I will lose you. you're the light house guiding my lonely heart through the most terrifying of storms. I owe you more than words can ever express gratitude…. but I can't stop thinking I'm holding you back. I love you so much that even if we drifted apart I know we will always have this between us and I will never regret a second of it.”

Gordon buried his head into John's shoulder and sat close for a while.

“This… this is why I love you and why I could never leave…. and why I want to make love to you like you deserve.” he brought his lips into contact with John's again. “You give yourself so willing to me…. I want you to know that I want to do the same.”

he didn't allow room for a reply, his mouth exploring his brother's forcing those cherry red lips apart to taste the insides of his mouth - tongues touching each other.

he let John's hands stroke him, tickling him down his sides. the touch was enough not to just create shivers along the length of his body but it stroked the furnace that Gordon needed to be able have burning with fierce intensity if he was going to fill his lover full of his fiery passion and make him call out his name, even if it was for his own ears only.

he trailed those kisses down his slender neck smiling as he noticed a few new freckles on the way and with his teeth he rubbed them, indicating that he knew they were there and he was going to commit them to memory. John knew the game by now and how much Gordon liked turning his body into his own personal work of art… his own personal project that changed under his influence. John never had a single freckle when they first started making love to each other… now because Gordon was slowly getting John outdoors and off the space station with more frequency his pale untouched skin was starting to get a slightly faint smattering now real sunlight was given the chance to kiss it once a day. it had been years since he was game enough to wear a t-shirt or shorts… Gordon recalling that bit was because of their grandmother's fear of skin cancers that the three fairest skinned of the boys were always expected to cover up - John being the only one to do so. Alan was littered head to toe on freckles and Gordon….

The sun had always been allowed to bless his skin with all of his outdoor activities that it no longer had freckles, but one beautiful ochre tan that ran all across his body. Gordon knew how much John would spend staring at it and touching it as if it wasn't quite real.

Gordon didn't want all of John's skin to be littered with freckles. the fact his skin was like delicate porcelain was representative of how gentle and loving he was…. and how fragile he could be.

the lower he got the more he lavished attention with his own lips and fingertips, eliciting soft purrs and groans in reply to his affections until he reached the tight shorts that John always wore to bed, so taught now that his body was desperate for attention that only Gordon could provide.

sliding them off Gordon began working his way up from his toes to his thighs, his lovers body shivering and naturally parting his legs to allow Gordon access to the most delicious and delectable fruit of them all.

Gordon paused for a few minutes to take in the view, one so rare that only he was allowed the joy of. John lay before him, hot and flustered - his body like that of a handcrafted ball joint doll waiting to be dressed up and posed at the whimsy of his owner, his chest rising and falling and his erection wanting to be played with.

Gordon loved taking in the details of his lovers body, the way he moved as he took deep breaths, the arch and stretch of muscles as he touched… the rosy pinks his cheeks had become to match how subtle his skin tone changed towards his more secretive of places.

John, unlike himself had the skin that sheathed his earthly desires was bare there and a little scarred. Gordon remembered vaguely when they were little of an accident when Grandma - bless her soul - was dressing them for their mother's funeral. Gordon learned empathy that day, John being rushed to hospital for an emergency circumcision to get him free of his trousers.

He also learned it was as highly sensitive… maybe even more so than his own… and without that protective skin… was far bigger looking too.

Gordon often wondered if he could get his done as an ‘elective’ surgery. Sure there would be scar tissue but he was curious how much more wonderful his sex life with John could be. he already spent extra time in the shower to make sure he was super clean everyday…. but he wondered if it was ever enough.

it didn't pay to keep his lover waiting for too long, Gordon lowering his mouth to kiss, nip, lick and suckle that rose red erection that stood to attention, the rush from John's low blood pressure showing more and more on his face the longer Gordon lingered and messed about.

he steadily worked him into an orgasm, a frenzy of shuddering fire shot through him as John came, whimpering out his name between desperate moans and gasps that were music to the ears. bits of essence dribbled down Gordon's chin and with his fingers he caught the escapees and licked them clean, savoring everything that his brother had unloaded into him.

while they were wet he slipped them carefully into him and smiled as he observed how John's body reacted to the invasion, knees drawing up but sill legs spread and his back stretching out for his arms to reach for the pillows by his head to brace himself.

Gordon knew his body was relaxed enough to take, John doing this to him enough that Gordon had picked up how important it was… it eased alot of pain from penetration, but also switched the body on into a heightened sense of pleasure, ready to receive the love from the other person’s hard throbbing member.

Gordon grunted at how tight John still was after making him so relaxed. in a way it was good, the pressure giving him pleasure and security from within and the ability to make John feel whole on the inside.

Gordon was surprised to find John's hands seeking him out and looking up he gave an amused grin at what John had done with the pillows - using them to prop himself up from behind to help him lean forwards so he could still be within reach of his shorter lover, though for how long before it hurt his back to do so was something he didn't take into consideration.

Gordon knew he wasn't going to last long either, this was the first time he had been inside John that wasn't orally and it was overwhelming him.

he kissed him passionately and stroked the red fire that what John's hair as he moved his hips, John massaging his back with one arm and running his fingers through Gordon's sandy curls as he moved in time, both parting momentarily every so often to let out a noise neither of them new they could make until they started being intimate with each other. Gordon then gripped John by the shoulders as his hips bucked multiple times as he came, filling Him with nothing else but his passion, his heart and his eternally burning soul.

Both collapsed in a heap on the bed, panting and buried into each other's arms so tight so perfectly fitted together that they felt as if they had become one Tracy and were no longer two. they still nuzzled, stroked and kissed despite the exhaustion, never wanting to be the one who had to let go.

Eventually things must end, John dozed off too tired to keep watch over Gordon into the early sunrise and Gordon had long gone off to the land of nod cuddled safely and protectively in his arms.

Scott had ducked his head in, shook it with a smile and draped a clean sheet over his sleeping brothers and removing the grotty one. he had watched them both carefully when Gordon had once torn into him about dumping too much work in them. it was only then he saw the disastrous mess Gordon was left in after Penelope tossed him aside and the physical, emotional carnage that John had become from isolation.

both were worse than a train crash. he had thought about stepping in on a few occasions… but had been surprised that they had been able to repair themselves by just being around each other more. he didn't expect it to go this far but he didn't care as long as they were happy, Scott being more accepting of the notion of them as lovers as to him it meant that someone cared about them to look after them… even if it was each other.

he almost walked in on them on Gordon's birthday when they were on the floor giggling like children making out with each other. he could have stopped it - should have stopped it - but there's times other's happiness came first and just once, theirs had to as well.

Scott had been careful, he didn't want them to suspect that he knew at least, until they came forward themselves. they would eventually in time and he'll be ready for the fight they'll have to put up with everyone else… and be prepared to stand in their corner.

***

Gordon slammed the hatch to thunderbird four and stormed into the locker bay, crumbling into a heap. that was the last time he ever wanted to work with that pompous english socialite…. she kept finding ways to break his heart over and over and there was only so much a twenty two year old could take. he was over the tears and the anger of how easily she could make him feel like trash. 

“hey, you ok Gordon?”

Gordon looked up as John placed his hand on one of his shoulders. 

“Huh? yeah I guess so. hey do you ever talk to Penelope about me?”

“If I did, I don't think she'd like me telling you. no, she talks about Scott and Virgil mostly. very rare it's much else.”

“but you do talk yeah?”

“if you mean me sitting alone listening to her go on about parties she invites you all to and how much of a ‘fabulous time’ I'm not invited to be a part of then yeah, we talk.” 

John patted the shoulder before raiding his locker. Gordon frowned. “ I just asked a simple question, I didn't ask for a jerkish answer.” he got up angrily and headed for the shower.

under the stream of water he began to realise that it was him that was being an arsehole and not John. his brother didn't have that capability, unlike the rest of his siblings since he didn't have much human interaction or reason to be nasty to anyone.

Gordon emerged from the showers drying himself off to find John still there, forehead resting on his hands, hunched over as if his head was too heavy to hold up on his shoulders.

Gordon took a deep breath. John was half out of his uniform, his undershirt beside him…. 

John's ribs were all on show under his pure white skin, sticking out as there wasn't any muscle there to hide them… heck there wasn't much fat either. John registered his return and started trying to apologise, even though there wasn't really anything he should be saying sorry for.

“Gordon, I'm sorry if I was out of line… I shouldn't say things about Penny like that. she's a nice girl… just… I guess I'm just tired. Don't worry I'll keep my mouth shut in future alright?”

he gave him a weak smile before standing, grabbing clean clothes and heading for the shower, conversation over.

Gordon hung back before following, wanting to tell John that he was the one who was being horrible and paused when he saw the extent of his brother's skeletal frame.

John looked confused. “what's the problem now Gordon? if you give me five minutes I can sit with you and listen… sounds fair?”

“When was the last time you looked in a mirror John?” Gordon blurted out, before he realised it was him who said it.

John frowned. “now as a matter of fact. Can't shower in this room without stripping right in front of one. Why Gordon? am a growing an alien head on my back or something?” he joked. “you guys act as if I am.”

“Your… you look sick.”

“I feel fine Gordon. Just… haven't been keeping fit. I can do stuff at the gym with you if that's why you're still here.”

Gordon walked up to him and grabbed his wrist, his whole fist able to wrap right around it with how slender it was.

“John, you're all bone. you look like you're dead! Has anyone else seen what you look like?”

to prove his point Gordon put his wrist along side to compare them. Gordon was also naturally slender but even then you could tell his wrists and forearms were thick and strong. John's looked so bad he could have snapped it with ease.

“Well… no, not really. only you and me suit up and change out in here. I don't get to see anyone else in person except for you of course and then that's rare.” the twenty four year old replied. “I doubt anyone one will on my birthday in two months time either… if anyone remembers. Look Gordon, what's really going on? why the sudden interest? all I did was express how I felt when Penny goes on about these lavish parties you all call about later on to whinge about how boring they are in reality and tell me that “hey, good thing you have to work up in space and not show your ugly mug at this poor excuse for excitement.’"

he breathed out heavily. “Would be great if one of you told me you had a nice time…. it's got to mean something just to be invited.”

Gordon watched as his brother's eyes lowered, looking away. 

“It's ok though, that's my job now isn't it? to listen to people and not give an opinion. I don't exactly do much else up there on Thunderbird Five.” 

Gordon let go of his arm a wave of shame washing over him. he was so wrapped up in the stupidity of his own life and the horrifying sight before him he didn't once stop and think, ‘hey, we take John for granted, ease up on the guy.’

hell, John wasn't even concerned about his own health or how he looked… he was worrying that he had upset Gordon by being his usual blunt self.

“Hey you sure everything is ok with you Gordon?” John's thin arms rested on his shoulders. “Give me a few minutes and I'll make you a nice hot drink and we can talk. you look like you need it.”

“Yeah… I'll meet you in the kitchen.”

“great!” 

Gordon was surprised to still see his brother give him a smile. he was starting to feel awful that John was still determined to cheer Gordon up, knowing that later on he'd be sitting in the living room watching from the windows as everyone was outside enjoying themselves… like always, by himself.

waiting in the kitchen, John eventually entered and started the kettle.

“Sorry, bumped into Scott on the way up. I guess work never stops here either huh?”

Gordon was curious. “What did he want?”

“Just to know when I'm heading back up. He got a few interesting GDF calls I have to check.out…. I really did think I could have dozed off on the couch first with a good book but not to be.”

he grabbed the tin of cocoa, made Gordon a drink and then sat at the counter with him. Gordon noted he didn't make himself a drink, clearly John wasn't planning on hanging around when there was stuff to be done.

“So… what's eating you alive? last mission wasn't so bad… I think. it sounded like you guys we're fine. did something happen between you and penny afterwards? I didn't hear anything after Virgil switched off the com channel… besides I had Alan to deal with anyway.” he smiled wistfully. “Brain's has one hell of a repair job fixing Thunderbird Three’s engines ahead of him… Alan fried them good and proper.” 

“Do you ever you know, get a break John?” Gordon asked.

“That's what this is right now isn't it?”

“no, this is you still working. I can see it in your eyes, hear it in your voice. is that all our problems are to you? more work to add to the pile?”

“what pile? I don't understand-”

“John, do you EVER tell people how you feel about anything? anything at all?” Gordon sounded like he was pleading… maybe he was. he wanted one straight answer and John usually gave them… but not today.

John held his gaze a few minutes before looking out the big kitchen windows.

“Why Gordon?” he said quietly as if to make sure only he heard. he looked back at him with the sincerity of the deep ocean colour of his eyes, ones Gordon was discovering were drowning his brother in other people's burdens. “What I think, what I feel… it means nothing. it's not important. What is important is you guys, your mental health, your physical well being...you do all the hard work while I'm….” 

he stood up. “I have to do that stuff Scott asked. If you want to talk to me properly then you can holocall.”

Gordon was quick in grabbing John's arm. “Sit. Scott can wait… the GDF can wait.. fuck I can wait. John right now you're killing yourself over what? people who never ask how you are, give you the time of day? I'm trying to get it in your head that I want five minutes of your time just to talk about you for once. is that impossible?”

John sighed and Gordon could suddenly see things about John that disturbed him. he noticed the dark rings under his eyes that looked almost black, the hunched way he stood….how no one else saw what a wreck he was even fully dressed was an absolute joke.

“Look, be honest with me Gordon… if something happened to me in space - would any of you come and get me? I used to think you would after the EOS thing… but it's been a long while since, would you guys still attempt to?”

“Attempt maybe the wrong word John. your 22,400 miles above the earth. we'd never make it.”

“Huh, I figured as much. Sorry Gordon I really do have stuff to do.”

he pried himself free and left the kitchen, but now Gordon was more concerned as ever. he should grab Scott and tell him, heck even Virgil would get more out if John than he was getting….

But them if either of them saw how much he had wasted away….not only would there be hell to pay - but John would find away to creatively end it so no one could save him. he wasn't supposed to fall apart, it was his job to keep it altogether for everyone else - be the support for the team… to show any weakness it could cost him the only thing he had to keep him functional, the only thing left that made him feel like one of them.

Gordon found himself walking back to the lockers standing outside the door. maybe getting him to talk was the wrong way to go about it. John was used to listening, not the other way around.

he poked his head inside and there was John, just sitting there still dressed with his uniform in his hands.

He was crying into it to muffle the noise.

he wasn't falling apart. he was already in pieces.

John didn't need Gordon to point out that he looked like the living dead. he knew. he had known for a long time - there was nothing he could do about it. it dug deep that someone else knew, as if he was now trapped inside this ‘thing' he had turned himself into…. no not himself…. what they turned him into.

Gordon walked over and sat beside him, wrapping his arms around tight, ignoring the scary feeling that all he could feel was bones under the fabric as he held him. in the end, john was the one you went to if things fell apart or was sucked into a dark hole of oblivion…. the fact no one had bothered to think about him having any monsters was not just disgusting, but a failure on them as brothers.

Gordon remembered holding John for hours, Scott's so called important job forgotten. 

***

Gordon stirred alot in his sleep, his fingers protectively flexing against John's bare back as he held him naked in the bed. No… nothing was ever going to get between him and his lover, never again. 

The alarm clock in the room kicked in, playing the same song it always did because his brother had a touch of predictably about him that in one way Gordon found far too sweet.

He found himself humming along, he knew ‘Life On Mars’ by David Bowie by heart now, but could never sing it alone… he always waited to sing it together with John… it sounded better that way.

“Do we have to get up?”

“Only if you're desperate.”

“Good.”

Gordon felt lips being applied to his neck and his body being caressed gently by a light feathery touch.

“I've missed you too much lately. today, I want nothing but you alone with me between these sheets.”

Gordon smiled and squirmed around till he could see John's face and meet his gaze. there was so much hidden intent in them Gordon couldn't help himself, deviousness dwelt deep in under his skin.

“I'd like that.” he teased. 

John didn't need to be encouraged, already he was air raiding Gordon's naked body with hovering kisses with every intention of making him find it impossible to walk for the next couple of days… and that was fine by Gordon, who wouldn't want it to be any other way…. John loving him over and over filling him with intense passion because he loved him. sure, Gordon couldn't shake the memories of that day - but in a good way… as they lead to something beautiful he would treasure for his lifetime.


End file.
